![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.2){kind=small}
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif?v=92.2){kind=small}
contemplative Hey ladies... I've got a question for everyone.
How many of you had pretty lengthy visits/meetings with your social workers on the adoption case BEFORE you had your children and placed them? Did you ever have any meetings with other birthmoms to get a perspective on it from them?
If so... what advice/information was the best? Which did you manage to use the best and take to heart? Was there anything that was said that really hurt/confused you in your decisions?
I was ready for this meeting tomorrow and was very relaxed about it as well. I didn't really think much of it and figured I'd be very honest about what I went through... Now I have people telling me over and over that I'm so much braver than them, and they'd never be able to do that for fear they'd give misleading advice. I'm not going to walk in there saying "Yeah! My adoption was amazing! I've never been happier in my life, it definately was a load off to place my son." But now I'm worried that I'll fuck it up and say something that will be misleading and or discouraging to this girl.
Also, my adoption is VERY open. I have constant contact with Eric's parents... through email, phone calls, personal visits.. all of it. But I also think I was very lucky in that aspect and we've got an amazing relationship that not a lot of birthparents DO have. (Granted, the birthparent DOES choose what they want and the social workers do a good job of finding compatible people for it.) So, I had this all planned out to be honest and straight foward... now I'm getting nervous. I don't want this 15 year old girl to be scared out of her mind to adopt.. I ALSO don't want her to think it'll be a walk in the park.
I'm sure I'll be fine tomorrow during it... I think the only reason I started to freak out was because five people in a row told me they'd never do it and it got me paranoid.
So! Please! Write out the best advice you got as well as the worst. Thank you!
March 14 2006, 04:10:00 UTC 6 years ago
I don't think an expectant parent (not a birthparent) can decide what kind of contact they want until the child is born. I wanted a semi-open adoption (letters/pictures) prior to delivery. The adoptive family encouraged me to keep visits in mind. I'm glad that I did.
March 15 2006, 01:18:20 UTC 6 years ago
at first, I wanted it to be fairly closed... I thought that I would be in too much pain to be able to heal properly if I still had that link between us. I just took baby steps... and so did his parents. We met at the hospital and everything clicked... within two months they were emailing me asking if I'd like to come for a visit... and that they were open anytime as soon as I was ready.
It really just depends on the connection you have. How comftorable you are with eachother. Me and my son's parents are pratically best friends and have been through everything this past year together, so it's very easy to plan a visit and make it stress free. I'm very happy I went with an open adoption... and the parents I chose wanted it to be very open which left the ball in my court so when I was ready to pursue it I could. I think what made me heal the easiest WAS knowing that they loved me and I was always welcome. That they wanted me to be a part of our son's life.
March 14 2006, 07:30:11 UTC 6 years ago
One of the things we stress when we speak at potential adoptive parents training is that every situation is different. You have to really sit down and think about what you want for the future and what you think you can and can't handle as far as openness goes and find a good match for you.
I'm sure you'll do great! You are helping this girl so much. *hugs*
March 15 2006, 01:15:19 UTC 6 years ago
I got a little more background on her. She turns 17 tomorrow... she is 7 months pregnant right now and the birthfather is 25. He WANTS to keep the baby and she is wanting to go the adoption route. She was a runaway and had some legal stuff she was wanted for... so she turned herself into the state two months ago because she was worried something might happen to her. She is now in a halfway house/teenage pregnancy center where she can still recieve schooling and support. She is 99% sure she wants to adopt but the boyfriend is really kicking and screaming over the whole thing.
I told her that it's hard. It's depressing. It's lonely. But it's also surviveable. I told her she may have hopes for this adoption case and when her child is born they may change completely. I told her she'd know the right family when she found them and that she'll be miserable, lonely, depressed, all of it.. but it's fine to be. I told her to be selfish which is something I struggled to do.. It's OKAY to get an education. She's only 16... she should be allowed to go to school, parties, dances, the mall, ect... without having to worry about a babysitter. She should be able to buy herself a pair of shoes with her extra money just because she has it, instead of spending it on diapers. I also told her to not try and be a superhero. Yes, it would be the responsible thing to do to raise the child... but would it be the right thing? No. A child deserves more than a 16 year old drop out for a mother. A child ALSO deserves more than a 25 year old (commiting rape!) for a father who sells drugs and admits to it.
It was really an amazing experience, I must say. My social worker afterwards pulled me aside and begged me to continue to do it with the agency. She has a panel at the end of the month that she'd love for me to speak at. It's really rewarding to me... and this poor girl can stop listening to things like "I know how you feel." from people who DON'T know. Birthmothers DO know and that's a bond that's hard to find with a social worker or therapist.
And also, I did tell her my situation IS ideal. I got very lucky... and I am shocked everyday when I wake up and see how far I've come and how involved I am. I told her that is a hard match to find. But that the agency will work with her to find suitable parents who match her interest.. and that she may very well decide she wants to be seperate for awhile and not as involved as she may feel like she wants to be now.
March 14 2006, 14:50:31 UTC 6 years ago
don't be nervous
I have no doubt that you will do great meeting with this girl. Since I placed my daughter, I have met with 2 young (16 and 17) girls who were considering all of their options. One of them decided to place their son, the other decided to raise hers. (In fact, the girl who kept her baby actually moved in with me for about 6 months prior to and directly following the birth because of such low support from her family.)It's easier than you think because you feel passionately about making the RIGHT decision, and not just deciding to release...that's really important.
It's so important for an expectant mother to decide before labor and delivery. Emotions run high, as you well know, and 90% of would be "birth mothers" who change their mind, change there mind when they see the baby.
March 14 2006, 15:13:32 UTC 6 years ago
Re: don't be nervous
I'm confused.... do you really believe that a mother who sees her baby who previously thought she was considering adoption but changed her mind should STILL go the adoption route?March 15 2006, 07:08:52 UTC 6 years ago
Re: don't be nervous
I'm saying that a decision should not be based solely on "oh he's so cute.". If a mother truly changes her mind, then she should follow her heart. I didn't mean it to be offensive at all, I've just worked with some very young teenagers who were prone to making rash decisions...I guess that's what I meant.6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
March 15 2006, 01:02:27 UTC 6 years ago
Re: don't be nervous
Well, the situation around my pregnancy was very difficult and high strung. I didn't make the choice to adopt until after he was born. I was afraid that if I chose a family before... got their hopes up, they cover my medical costs, ect and then decided to keep him. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself. I waited until the day he was born to make sure I was making the best decision. I've never regretted it.. and I am VERY happy I did wait until after he was born. I think I managed to sort of trick myself into thinking that the time I had with him, he was my son and I was mom... since I didn't have any parents picked out yet. It really helped me when I was grieving the loss later.But after he was born I just layed there with him staring a hole through his body. I was sooo enthralled with him and I did start to have second thoughts to the whole idea. But then I woke up and realized he was so perfect, I didn't have any right to raise him in a lackluster environment. I knew I made him to be perfect and I definately wasn't cut out for what I would have had ahead of me.
March 16 2006, 04:40:12 UTC 6 years ago
Re: don't be nervous
But then I woke up and realized he was so perfect, I didn't have any right to raise him in a lackluster environment. I knew I made him to be perfect and I definately wasn't cut out for what I would have had ahead of me.Exactly. :)
6 years ago
6 years ago
March 16 2006, 15:58:57 UTC 6 years ago
Re: don't be nervous
We didn't find the family til after my son was born also. Mostly cause we were taking our time (I was picky and didn't like any of the couples from the one agency), but also because yeah, I wanted to wait til he was born to make sure it's absolutely what I thought was the best thing for him, cause like you, I didn't want to get the family's hopes up. We didn't even make the decision til the day after he was born, but I'm glad I waited, cause even that first night my bf and I kept talking "can we do it? should we do it?" and I'm thankful we were able to talk and discuss all that without already having "promised" our child to a prospective adoptive couple.March 14 2006, 23:35:51 UTC 6 years ago
In my case adoption is NOT what I wanted to do, but I was given two choices. Either come home alone, or be on the street with the baby. So, I'm just worried that the girl will see your ideal situation and will think that it might work out that way for her.
Just be honest with her, that is all you can do. Tell her the ups and the downs that you experience, so she will know more what to expect.
March 15 2006, 01:13:43 UTC 6 years ago
Re: don't be nervous
Well, I had the meeting with her this afternoon and it did go very well. I was very straight foward with her. Very very honest... (I even made her cry, which I felt terrible for..)I got a little more background on her. She turns 17 tomorrow... she is 7 months pregnant right now and the birthfather is 25. He WANTS to keep the baby and she is wanting to go the adoption route. She was a runaway and had some legal stuff she was wanted for... so she turned herself into the state two months ago because she was worried something might happen to her. She is now in a halfway house/teenage pregnancy center where she can still recieve schooling and support. She is 99% sure she wants to adopt but the boyfriend is really kicking and screaming over the whole thing.
I told her that it's hard. It's depressing. It's lonely. But it's also surviveable. I told her she may have hopes for this adoption case and when her child is born they may change completely. I told her she'd know the right family when she found them and that she'll be miserable, lonely, depressed, all of it.. but it's fine to be. I told her to be selfish which is something I struggled to do.. It's OKAY to get an education. She's only 16... she should be allowed to go to school, parties, dances, the mall, ect... without having to worry about a babysitter. She should be able to buy herself a pair of shoes with her extra money just because she has it, instead of spending it on diapers. I also told her to not try and be a superhero. Yes, it would be the responsible thing to do to raise the child... but would it be the right thing? No. A child deserves more than a 16 year old drop out for a mother. A child ALSO deserves more than a 25 year old (commiting rape!) for a father who sells drugs and admits to it.
It was really an amazing experience, I must say. My social worker afterwards pulled me aside and begged me to continue to do it with the agency. She has a panel at the end of the month that she'd love for me to speak at. It's really rewarding to me... and this poor girl can stop listening to things like "I know how you feel." from people who DON'T know. Birthmothers DO know and that's a bond that's hard to find with a social worker or therapist.
And also, I did tell her my situation IS ideal. I got very lucky... and I am shocked everyday when I wake up and see how far I've come and how involved I am. I told her that is a hard match to find. But that the agency will work with her to find suitable parents who match her interest.. and that she may very well decide she wants to be seperate for awhile and not as involved as she may feel like she wants to be now.
wow! hi, i just went on a tangent, lol.
March 15 2006, 01:59:30 UTC 6 years ago
Re: don't be nervous
Wow.6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
March 15 2006, 23:33:14 UTC 6 years ago
Re: don't be nervous
I'm having a VERY hard time reading this string right now."I told her that it's hard. It's depressing. It's lonely. But it's also surviveable. I told her she may have hopes for this adoption case and when her child is born they may change completely. I told her she'd know the right family when she found them and that she'll be miserable, lonely, depressed, all of it.. but it's fine to be. I told her to be selfish which is something I struggled to do.. It's OKAY to get an education. She's only 16... she should be allowed to go to school, parties, dances, the mall, ect... without having to worry about a babysitter. She should be able to buy herself a pair of shoes with her extra money just because she has it, instead of spending it on diapers. I also told her to not try and be a superhero. Yes, it would be the responsible thing to do to raise the child... but would it be the right thing? No. A child deserves more than a 16 year old drop out for a mother. A child ALSO deserves more than a 25 year old (commiting rape!) for a father who sells drugs and admits to it. "
How can you tell her what she or that child deserves?
How is that at all what you are supposed to do?
That is COERSCION through and through.
Of course the social worker commended you - you just told the mother exactly what she wanted you to tell her. But not what she NEEDED to be told.
You can feel free to tell her what YOUR experience is/was, but you have no place in telling her what HER experience IS or SHOULD be.
That's just WRONG. It's called COERSCION and I'm just sick to see this here.
I know you intentions are good, but just because Adoption was right for you and I does not mean we can say it's right for anyone else.
That's her decision to make without outside influence. Not yours or mine.
6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
Deleted comment
6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
March 16 2006, 02:39:53 UTC 6 years ago
Plain and simple.
Just my opinion.
March 16 2006, 04:51:31 UTC 6 years ago
Think about it.
The birthfather (23 at the time) in my situation wanted to parent... he was ecstatic.Him now: addicted to drugs, still living with his parents at age 28, working short jobs at liquor stores and dry cleaners until he gets fired, preys on under-aged girls trying to get them pregnant.
Me now: graduated from college, in grad school, doing wonderfully... not a thing unhealthy about my life anymore.
My daughter now: Almost 5, in a wonderful preschool for gifted children that I could never afford, has wonderful, attentive parents and ballet, piano, and violin lessons (again, I could never afford). Has wonderful doctors, a mom that is able to be at home and spend time with her and teach her... so she doesn't have to grow up in daycare... she has a huge extended family of people that love her ... she's already been to Europe and knows all about classical composers. She loves to write and paint and gets lessons for these things and enjoys them. She has everything she needs, and most of what she wants.
When I imagine what it would have been like if I had kept her.... it makes me absolutely sick.
So my opinion is, if ONE parent, mother or father, says "we won't be able to give this child what he/she deserves", this parent is probably right, rational, and obviously has the best interest of the child in mind (and not a selfish, emotional decision). And adoption SHOULD be done.
March 16 2006, 13:40:24 UTC 6 years ago
I Strongly Disagree with that One
*ponders* My birthdaughter's father was all for the placement. Does that mean that I was incapable of raising a child? Not quite. He wasn't being rational. He was being an ass.So that's not a fool-proof method (re: if one parent, mother or father, says "we won't be able to give this child what he/she deserves"). He was being a selfish prick who didn't want to part with his money when it came time to pay child support.
Nope. Not a fool-proof method at all.
6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
6 years ago
March 16 2006, 14:02:48 UTC 6 years ago
Re: Think about it.
Anecdotal evidence is meaningless.Otherwise, based on my life, all children should be abused until three, moved around, raped, etc in order to be successful.
You are smarter than that.
You are being so offensive it's not even funny.
6 years ago
March 16 2006, 15:20:03 UTC 6 years ago
To say what is or isn't best for the child is a moot point. All of us are flipping a coin, no matter *what* decision we make. To choose to parent, to choose to release, to choose to abort... once the choice is made, no matter which choice it is, the die is already cast. There's no taking it back. The consequences, good or bad, are already set into motion. It's the same with ANYTHING in our lives, from what clothes we wear in the morning, to whether or not we go to work on any given day, to *how* we choose to take responsibility for the life we've been entrusted with. And all three options *are* taking responsibility. This girl wanted to explore her options more clearly. The way she could do this was to speak to someone who had released. I did the same thing. Talking to various birthmothers and adoptive parents, talking to my Aunt who had adopted her son. Talking to more than one social worker in more than one agency. Talking to women who had aborted, women who had chosen to parent... I respect this girl for wanting to examine ALL her resources.
monenigme - why don't you stop carping and start doing something? You don't like how women are being counseled, go counsel them yourself. Give them another resource, telling the down side. See a problem, fix it. Whining won't do it.
Everyone - why not remember why we're here? To have people who have been through the same things we've been through, or who WILL be going through them as time progresses. We are all at different stages in our lives, with different experiences, and different reactions to them. But sharing wisdom and learning is one thing, arguing and name calling is another. Prior to this, every experience I've had with this group has been a positive one...but now I'm starting to question if I should remain here. If all that's going to happen in a post asking for *advise* and sharing the results of the meeting is a cat fight... what's the point in remaining?
March 16 2006, 15:49:35 UTC 6 years ago
My point is that by her own ORIGINAL statement, she did more than tell her own story, she told the girl what to do and that IS COERCION. Not to mention, she is participating in a flawed system.
Only by ALL OF US standing up and saying, "This is unacceptable" will it change. Only by ALL OF US pointing out to one another where coercion exists when it might not be obvious, will it change.
Racism occured (s) on many levels that people don't realize. Only by people standing up, even when it's unpopular, and pointing it out, everywhere they see it is it possible to change. The same goes for sexism and everyother problem that exists in society.
THIS is no different.
I council women. I also stand up and point out when I see other people participating in coercion.
So this is what I'm doing.
March 16 2006, 16:37:51 UTC 6 years ago
First, I think it's great that you've had a good experience so far. When I went to my first agency, they were like "place place place." I joined this community cause it was not yet closed, and I had both good and bad feedback.
But I kept going back and forth, should we parent or not? Up until the day he was born. And I'm thankful that we waited because I really didn't know what I wanted to do.
And I think that it's great that you want to get involved with talking to pregnant girls and share your story.
However, are there any "worst case scenario" birthmothers speaking? Because although I was atleast 50% sure that I was going to choose adoption, coming here, hearing all sides of experiences, it really helped me, and the girl deserves to hear from someone who's had not as good an experience as you from the horse's mouth, not just saying "but you might not be as lucky as I am."
I'm not meaning to bash, so sorry if it comes out this way. Get your MSW. Grow some more. Let life happen.
Good luck.
March 16 2006, 16:56:40 UTC 6 years ago
ps
I forgot to write about the father.This child is his too, so if he wants to parent, she doesn't have to. She can give up her parental rights (which it seems she's leaning towards doing anyway) and let him have full custody. He can't force her to parent, but he can be a parent, and as the child's father, he has that right.
Yes, I know you mentioned that he is a drug dealer, but having a child can be a reason to change your life around. I know that there's the risk that he may not change his life around and CYS would have to step in, but if he geniunely wants to be a parent, then he should not be denied that chance.
March 16 2006, 18:02:51 UTC 6 years ago
Re: ps
You're missing the point. He doesn't want to parent, he wants to control his 16 year old girlfriend.For a woman to take his baby and place it is her showing that SHE has control over HIM.
Do you really think this drug dealer guy wants to parent? It sounds like you would willingly hand a baby to a drug dealer that tells his 16 year old girl that he wants a baby. I really hope that that's not the case.
March 16 2006, 18:38:53 UTC 6 years ago
Re: ps
Maybe I did miss it. I'm not a very intellectual, good at dissecting stuff kind of person. I thought I read that the girl wanted to relinquish and the boy did not, and i took that to mean that the guy wanted to father. I didn't realize that meant he wanted the girl to parent with him. I thought it meant that he wanted to parent the child, regardless of if she wanted to be involved or not. My bad.6 years ago
6 years ago
March 16 2006, 22:10:31 UTC 6 years ago
I think as a whole that it is important for a pregnant woman to look at her situation. I think its important that she be given all the information possible about her choice. This is not something to be taken lightly... its not something to be sugar coated. Sometimes it sucks hardcore to be a bmom. Sometimes the grief is so devistating that you cant get out of bed. But at the same time... seeing your child grow up in a life better than your own... and seeing your own life grow and flourish and you become a better person is just as important to realize. Getting those little cards and pictures in the mail and those random phone calls feel better than Christmas morning.
Parenting is hard. I have an 8 year old with ADHD. Placing a child is hard, Justine will be 11 next month. Abortion is hard... I see some of my family members live with that. But every one of those options has its own rewards and benefits as well. Its all about weighing those pros and cons in your own life but at the same time remembering that whichever choice you make is a life long decision.
I think (and I havent read the whole thread yet to figure out what the big debocle was) that you can tell YOUR story... and how it worked for you and what challenges you face as well as what joys you have in your life. Just be open, honest and go from there. Dont tell her what she should do... Dont tell her that any choice she makes is wrong... just tell her that its her choice to make.. and both her and her child's life... and give her your experience.
I hope it went well.